Escape from The Deadly Triangle (Part 2)
This is the second in a Two-Part Series, you can find Part One by clicking HERE.
Last week, in my article, “Don’t Get Caught In the Deadly Triangle,” I talked about Karpman’s Drama Triangle— a model for understanding the dysfunctional roles we take on when we are dealing with conflict. These roles are Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor — each positioned at points on the triangle.
The Karpman Triangle is something I love to introduce to my clients, because, after it’s been brought to their attention, they see “triangles” everywhere in their lives and talk about it all the time. Just having this new awareness can lead to making calmer, clearer choices.
And, “awareness,” is, in fact, a key factor in extricating yourself from a Drama Triangle — as you can see in the following tips for escaping dysfunction:
Develop awareness of the problem. The first step to addressing any problem is acknowledging it exists — or even that it might exist — and being willing to examine how you might be contributing to the problem.
At a moment when you are calm, consider the feedback that you are hearing from people with whom you have had conflicts. Now that you’ve been introduced to the roles of Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor, consider whether you adopt one or more of these roles.
Learn to recognize the patterns. When you replay interactions that leave you feeling sad, angry, confused, fearful, powerless or lonely—try to play through the conversation with an objective eye. Can you tell which role you end up playing, and how others engage with you when you take on that role?
Consciously change those dynamics. This is the step that you take in the moment during an actual interaction. Stop, pause and think before you reflexively take on one of the three roles in the triangle. Or, if you are already in a role, resist the urge to maintain it, or switch positions. Breathe. Reflect. Choose.
To avoid reflexively taking on a role:
Pause… take a breath.
Locate where you are on the triangle.
Consider the words you are about to say or your belief in the moment. Ask What response might better serve me and others in this relationship? And also consider What if the reverse of my belief is true? (For example, what if I'm hurting the other person even though I'm feeling victimized and attacked?)
In last week’s example, Tom and Sally’s drama escalated during the course of a conversation. Here’s an (exaggerated) example of how that occurred:
TOM
Sally, are you okay? You seem to be depressed and drinking a lot. If you’re feeling down, maybe you should get more exercise instead of drinking.
A: Sally takes the role of the Victim and casts Tom in the role of the Persecutor:
SALLY
Oh, thanks for the advice, Mr. Perfect. Did you ever think that I’d feel less depressed and have more time to exercise if you weren’t always at work, leaving me here with the kids? You don’t even help when you are home. It all falls on me!
B: Tom reverses the roles, casting himself as the Victim and Sally as the Persecutor (along with his boss).
TOM
I don’t have a choice! have to work all the time to keep up with the money you spend. And, in case you haven’t noticed, my boss is a tyrant. I can’t afford to make him angry if I want to keep my job!
This conversation quickly devolved, but there were opportunities for de-escalation. Consider:
TOM
Sally, are you okay? You seem to be depressed and drinking a lot. If you’re feeling down, maybe you should get more exercise.
A: Sally initially feels defensive and gravitates toward the Victim role, but she stops. She questions her belief that Tom is judging, and, instead, assumes his best intentions—that he is coming from a place of caring.
SALLY
You’re right. I have been feeling down. I appreciate you noticing that I’m struggling.
Or, consider how Tom might have reacted differently to Sally’s accusations:
SALLY
Oh, thanks for the advice, Mr. Perfect. Do you ever think I’d feel less depressed and have more time to exercise if you weren’t at work all the time, leaving me here with the kids? You don’t even help when you are home. It all falls on me!
B: Tom’s instincts are also to defend himself, to position himself as the Victim. But reflecting, he questions whether he really “doesn’t have a choice.” And considers that Sally’s problem isn’t only Sally’s problem.
TOM
You’re right. It must be difficult for you that I’m working so much lately. I’m not happy about it either.
These alternate responses at moments A and B above don’t immediately solve Tom and Sally’s issues, but by managing their reactivity and resisting the urge to switch places “on the triangle” Tom and Sally can escape from their “roles” and see each other simply as people with common concerns they can work to solve together… with less drama!
Advice Especially for Therapists
When you have clients who are caught in triangles, it can be tempting to become engaged—most often as a Rescuer / Savior figure: You want to help Tom and Sally, but if they don’t take your advice, it’s tempting to become disappointed. If you start playing the Savior, and the other characters in the drama don’t listen, you might feel like a failure...powerless... like a Victim! You’ve gotten caught in the triangle, too! Just a reminder then, that you are not a Savior or a Rescuer. You are a therapist.
So, my advice for you—and for us all!—is to:
Be mindful / Stay in the present.
Be a witness, moment to moment. Observe not just Tom and Sally but also your own reactions. Breathe.
Detach from the outcome.
Remember that while you can assist clients in analyzing their problems, it is not your role to solve their problems “for them.” Everyone evolves at their own pace. Offer what tools you can, and then let go.
Give these basic tools for escaping the dreaded triangle a try!
