Don't Get Hooked! Avoiding Shenpa
I think we’ve all been there: caught in the middle of a big argument that started over something small—words spoken in a particular tone, a snarky comment, a minor transgression. Sometimes, as a client recounted not long ago, “I barely remember what we were arguing about, but I was so angry.”
What has happened? Well, there was that comment, or that annoying tone, and it irritated you. And that irritation was like an “itch.” When you have an itch, you feel compelled to scratch that itch! But you know, when you scratch, it’s just going to make it worse, and you’ll feel even more compelled to scratch more! Now you’re in a state where you can’t stop scratching and it’s not making you feel better. It’s the worst!
There is a Tibetan word for the sensation of that first desire to “scratch.” It is called shenpa. This is sometimes translated as attachment, but American Tibetan Buddhist, Pema Chödrön, describes it as getting hooked. In a relationship when someone says something harsh, you feel triggered, or in Chödrön’s words, “a shift,” “a tightening that rapidly spirals into mentally blaming this person, or wanting revenge, or blaming yourself.” The sensation is uncomfortable. And it is in following the desire to remove our discomfort that we get hooked. We act reflexively and don’t notice until it’s too late.
How to avoid getting hooked? There is a method to catch it in its early stage, but we don’t often do it in our daily lives without practice, and the best way to practice is meditation. According to Chödrön, meditation practice is a loving kindness to oneself. It is in meditation that we can learn to stay fully present and aware of what is happening to us, and learn to sit with our discomfort without fear or judgement. We learn to live with our “craving to scratch.”
In her book, Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears, she offers “the four R’s” to practice during meditation: Recognition, Refraining, Relaxing and Resolving.
Recognition is catching that first sensation—wanting to scratch that itch—and recognizing it for what it is—a hook.
Refraining is once you see the possibility of getting hooked—pausing. When you feel yourself reacting to criticism and tensing up, notice what is happening… and then refrain from becoming defensive or slipping into your default responses.
Relaxing. Once you’ve observed this pattern, you can actually relax with it. As time passes, the situation in your mind will naturally unravel.
Resolving is committing to work on the shenpa, facing your triggers and developing new habits.
According to Chödrön, we all have the three basic human qualities of “natural intelligence, natural warmth, and natural openness.” But these qualities get buried and forgotten because we get caught in shenpa. Meditation and practicing the four R’s will help uncover them, and we will experience more peace and less strife.
Looking for more? Here is a great video where Pema Chödrön talks in depth about working with shenpa. While you’re on her site, feel free to check out her other work as well. In particular, I often recommend these books to my clients:
The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times
Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears
