Don't Get Caught In The Deadly Triangle! (Part 1)

This is the first in a Two-Part Series…

Here’s a situation that might seem familiar to some therapists:

1. “Sally,” has been feeling down for days. She compensates by drinking too much and indulging in unhealthy habits.  


2. Sally’s husband, “Tom,” tries to help his wife feel better by encouraging different lifestyle choices.


3. Sally becomes upset over her husband’s “sanctimoniousness” and begins to blame him for her sad feelings—maybe if he didn’t work so much, and helped more with the kids...


4. Tom yells, “I can’t do anything right! All I want to do is to help you!” And he points out that he has no choice but to work to provide the lovely lifestyle that she doesn’t appreciate… not to mention that if he doesn’t, his jerk of a boss will fire him! 


Whoa… that went downhill fast! What just happened?

Sally and Tom have gotten caught in the Dreaded Drama Triangle, also known as “Karpman’s Triangle” named after Stephen Karpman, M.D., who, in the late 1960s, developed this dynamic model of social interaction and conflict while he was a student of Eric Berne, M.D.—the father of transactional analysis. Karpman identified the three main roles that people take on—and switch between—in social interactions—especially high stress or emotional interactions! These roles are:

• The  Persecutor


• The Victim 


• The Rescuer


The attitude of a Victim is “Poor me.” Victims see themselves as hopeless, helpless and victimized. They might lean into being “super-sensitive” and needing extra-gentle treatment from others. They see themselves as powerless, thus denying any responsibility for their negative circumstances and any ability to change those circumstances. Victims will look for a Rescuer to save them, and also need a Persecutor to reinforce their view of themselves as the Victim.

A Rescuer “wants to help.” Rescuers can take on a parental stance, either enabling, or giving advice and becoming overly invested in whether that advice gets taken. Rescuers often become so wrapped up in fixing other people’s problems, they don’t address their own. Of course, to embody their narrative, Rescuers need someone to rescue—like a Victim! Even better if there is someone to rescue the Victim from—enter the Persecutor.

A Persecutor is frustrated and self-righteous. Persecutors criticize and blame and keep others feeling threatened and oppressed by being controlling and rigid, angry and unpleasant. They criticize and yell, but don’t help solve the problem. 

So let’s look at Sally and Tom again. 

1. Sally is feeling down and is drinking too much. In some ways, she is already playing the Victim, taking the stance that she just can’t get ahead—the very universe is against her.


2. Tom tries to make her feel better and stop drinking. He’s entering the triangle as a Rescuer. Taking on Sally’s problems as if they are his responsibility.


3. Sally blames Tom for making her sad and not spending enough time with the children. Here, Sally shifts into the role of Persecutor, feeling self-righteous and frustrated.


4. Tom says “I can’t do anything right,” and notes that he “has” to work long hours for his family and because of his boss. Now Tom has become the Victim, feeling powerless to change his circumstances.


Once people are caught in the dynamics of a triangle there’s a tendency to expand the triangle. Notice how Sally defines their children as Victims and Tom casts his boss as a Persecutor.

And everyone is pushed around the triangle, fluidly rotating through the different positions like a nightmare merry-go-round that no one can step off! Not to mention, that as each person involved at some point becomes “Victim,” positions become ever more polarized and entrenched -- damaging relationships that much more.

The goal, it’s clear, is to find some way off the ride—to detach oneself from this dramatic narrative… and the good news is it can be done. It just takes some practice and know-how.

Next week, in Part 2, I’ll talk about escaping triangles, and share a few thoughts with therapists for avoiding getting drawn into your patients’ triangles.  

*I want to point out, we are not talking about real circumstances that do exist, such as crime, racism and abuse. These are archetypal roles that people unconsciously play or try to manipulate others to play as the mind’s way of trying to work through and solve their (unconsciously) perceived problems.