Escape the External Validation Trap
Most people care about what other people think of them, and many people care a lot. In this article, Elizabeth R. Thornton’s research shows that 55 percent of people say that their self-worth often, more often, or always relies on what others think.
And it makes sense: After all, we all begin our lives dependent on the people around us for our very survival. If you’re a little kid, being physically rejected is actually life threatening, and other forms of rejection can also wound you in a number of ways. Without much experience of the world, it’s easy to internalize the idea that if others think you were good or lovable, you are good and lovable, but if others think you’re bad, then you must be bad…
As you get older, you’re exposed to more external sources of approval: Getting a good grade from your teachers, praise from a boss, or compliments from a significant other -- and then of course, there’s social media, with all its 👍🏽 and ❤️ and 😂.
External validation feels good. Literally. Receiving praise triggers reward centers in your brain and also prompts the hypothalamus to produce dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter. Receiving external validation has other benefits, too. When we’re children, or in new environments, it’s how we discern appropriate behavior, and according to research, receiving praise can help us learn new skills. In one study, 48 adults were taught a finger-typing pattern. The following day, those who had been praised while learning, remembered and performed better than everyone else.
Unfortunately, desiring the pleasure of external validation can backfire when we become too dependent on it. If that report you wrote for your boss doesn’t even warrant a mention, or no one “likes” that selfie you took with a new haircut, you don’t get your dopamine hit, and that can hurt…and have the effect of lowering your self-esteem and making you insecure instead of confident. If most of what you do is in service to chasing the good opinions of others, you can lose your true sense of what your own opinions are. Lost at sea, you’ll feel anxious and depressed when you don’t feel like you can please or be liked by others. When this happens, the need for external validation becomes a trap!
Here are a few ideas for things you can do to break your dependence on external validation:
Go on a social media diet. For most of us, this is a great place to start! It will give you a break from focusing on how your posts are received and lessens the temptation to compare your life with the lives that are portrayed by others on your newsfeed.
Make a “dopamine patch.” (Like a nicotine patch for smokers!) Kick your external validation habit by getting your dopamine from other sources. Do activities you enjoy that don’t involve your trigger source of validation. Read a book, take a hike, dance!
Be mindful. When you become still and aware, you can learn what gives you joy. You might even have a conversation with your inner child who was so dependent on the whims of others. Remind her that her survival no longer depends on the approval of others, and let her know that she is enough and worthy in your opinion!
Be spiritual. It might sound a little “out there” but commit to being open to communication and validation from your own light and source. While meditating, or gratitude journaling, thank yourself for anything you have done well, the progress you’ve made. Leave space for clues about who you are outside the roles you play for others.
Be kind to yourself. No one is perfect. If you’ve gone on a “scroll binge” or gained a few pounds there’s no need to punish yourself. Gently nudge yourself back onto the right path and move on.
Be kind to others. As I mentioned in this recent post, Practice Random Acts of Kindness, being kind and of service to others will always make you feel better.
Practice self-validation. When you are about to ask another person for their advice or opinion, think about what you hope they’ll say. Then say it to yourself! Believe that you’ve got the mojo -- because you do!
💖 😍 👏🏾 🥰 🏆 💝 🤩 🥇 🎉 💕
