Has the coronavirus affected your friendships?
A recent survey by the Pew Research Center reported that 53% of their interviewees said they feel less close to casual acquaintances compared with before the beginning of the coronavirus outbreak in February 2020, while 38% said the same about friends they know well.
Even when there is no pandemic, many factors can affect friendships—moving creates distance, new jobs, marriage, kids or aging parents can all create new responsibilities and priorities, not to mention that changing politics or personal philosophies can also drive people apart, just like in a romance.
But just like a romance, you can take certain steps to help maintain friendships that are important to you.
It’s been a while since the 1980s, when Oxford psychologists Michael Argyle and Monika Henderson interviewed people from Britain, Japan, Hong Kong and Italy and had them rate the importance of forty-three qualities a friendship should have. They published the results in a well-known paper titled “The Rules of Friendship.” Here are some of the attributes of friendship that were most highly rated.
Stand up for each other in each other’s absence
Trust and confide in each other
Keep each other up-to-date on life developments.
Support each other emotionally
Offer help if it’s required
Though this is far from being a complete list, I think they are good habits to develop if you want to make, sustain or deepen your friendships.
Stand up for each other in each other’s absence.
We learned this back in junior high. Someone who talks badly about a friend behind her back, or spreads gossip isn’t a friend you want… or want to be. Snark and negativity can get you laughs or agreement from others in the moment — but the reason those things feel good is they feel like connection, kind of like friendships! You want to consider how your words will affect your friend if they make their way back to her (as they often seem to!) And also think about how you feel after taking part in a snark-fest. Feelings of closeness rooted in negativity tend not to last. You might intuit that the people who are willing to trash-talk one friend might do the same for another – like you! On the flip side, people who’ve heard you complain about a friend may be less likely to confide in you in the future — so you could be damaging a potential future friendship as well as the one you have! Err toward kindness and empathy, and when you can, point out a friend’s good traits in the face of criticism.
Trust and confide in each other.
If you want to make a friendship closer, offer up more of yourself. Instead of responding to every How’s it going? with a reflexive Good, make it a point to disclose a problem, frustration or some positive detail that you wouldn’t post on social media. As with a romantic relationship, you need to feel the waters and find a good pace for growing the intimacy of the friendship — don’t dump every piece of emotional baggage on the table on your second coffee date, and be sure to give them some time and space to talk and reciprocate with confidences of their own. (And – related to the advice above point — show you are worthy of trust by keeping private anything your friend confides in you!)
Keep each other up-to-date on life developments.
If you want a friendship to sustain closeness through big life changes — new jobs, marriage, kids, break-ups, even deaths and illnesses — then do your best to keep that friend updated. When someone find out about a friend’s big life change years after the fact, or “through the grapevine” they might get the message that since their friend didn’t choose to relay that information to them, to bring it up might be an intrusion. They might be reticent to offer support if it’s needed, assuming there’s an “inner circle” who the friend has chosen to communicate with. The friendship grows a little more distant through the change instead of closer.
Support each other emotionally.
Hugs and cards and verbal expressions of sympathy will be appreciated and help maintain a friendship. Being present and listening are also important! While no one wishes for hardship in their own or a friend’s life, these times can be opportunities for friendships to grow stronger. Remember when you are emotionally supporting a friend to set aside your opinions and judgements and so you can hear what they are saying and offer genuine empathy and support. This article offers some excellent tips on how to give good emotional support.
Offer help if it’s required.
Whether it’s bringing over a casserole (or sending Door Dash from a distance) offering a couch or guest room, helping organize a closet or shop for an important event or proofreading a resume for a job search, it’s good for a friendship to offer help when you can, in the ways that you can. And when friends offer you help, say yes — this, too, is a form of trust and intimacy. (Also, when your friends help you, thank them!)
If you’re in the mood to think more about your friendships, you might read this Atlantic article, How Friends Become Closer, and consider how its observations relate to these tips.
