Getting Real with Self-Talk
In my recent post, Accentuate the Positive, I talked about the ways that negative self talk can reinforce our brains’ negative bias and cause us anxiety, stress and self-judgment, while positive self talk can release hormones that help us feel healthier and happier in our relationships and with ourselves.
That all sounds great – but in practice, we know it can be hard to simply switch our brains to “thinking positive thoughts,” because those thoughts sometimes… can feel fake. Nobody likes to be lied to, especially by ourselves! So how can we work on reframing, while still being true to ourselves?
The first thing to consider is that you don’t have to make a 180% swing. If you look in the mirror and reflexively think, “I hate my body,” then you might not be ready to make the big switch to “I love my body.” In her recent article in Well+Good, Whitney Goodman, LMFT, suggests trying an intermediate statement like “I am working on loving my body.” If a statement feels true to you, you’ll feel less resistance and it will be more helpful to you.
Likewise if you’re struggling with a pair of five pound weights at the gym, it might be too early to tell yourself, “I’m a superhero!” but “I’m happy I’m getting stronger” can improve your mindset and keep you on your path to improvement.
And if we’re putting our positive self-talk under the microscope – we should be equally watchful for untruths of the negative type.
In the video below, Emma McAdam, from Therapy in a Nutshell, talks to Nick Wignall about cognitive distortions – which he describes as styles of thinking that are either inaccurate or unhelpful.
Types of cognitive distortion to watch out for in your own thinking are:
Fortune Telling - this is when you predict a worst case scenario without any reason to do so.
Ex. “If I can’t make this relationship work, I’ll never find anyone and I’ll be unhappy forever.”
Mind Reading - projecting someone else’s thoughts without evidence.
“My boss thinks I’m stupid.”
Personalizing - blowing criticism or failure out of proportion, applying it to your entire identity.
I burned the cake. I’m a bad cook… I’m a bad mother… I’m a bad person!
In each of these cases, the first step to correcting negative and distorted thinking is simply to become aware of it, and then inspect it with some skepticism:
Is it true that if I fail at this one relationship and I’ll never find anyone?
Well, Couples break up all the time, and they find someone new. I probably can, too.
Do I really know that my boss thinks I’m stupid?
Well, I’m not a mind-reader, so that’s only a projection. And would he have hired me if he thought I was stupid?
Does it make sense that burning one cake means I’m a bad person?
I’m sure plenty of good people have burned a cake. Making mistakes doesn’t make anyone a bad person.
Once you’ve begun to “pick apart” the negative story, you can think about replacing it with a statement that’s more true, more in proportion with the situation, and more positive. And remember that sometimes (often!) a more positive perspective is simply on that allows for some positive action. You’re not a bad cook just because you burned a cake, but if it’s a common problem, maybe you have an opportunity for improvement. “I think I could be a better baker. Maybe I’ll ask Doris if we can cook a recipe together. It would be fun and I can learn some tips.”
Or: “I can ask my boss for a review, and if he feels there are issues with my skills I can figure out how to improve.”
In your self-talk, you don’t have to tell yourself that everything is awesome or that everything is bad – you can just “keep it real,” but look for ways to grow – that’s the real positive thing!
