QUOTED: What to Do When Your Partner Doesn't Respect You
This article was published in VeryWellMind on July 13, 2023.
Respect is a cornerstone of any good romantic relationship. If you don’t feel respected, you probably don’t feel seen, heard, or understood by your significant other. Being in a mutually respectful partnership will foster the growth and longevity of your relationship.
Below we will explore the relationship between love and respect, the 10 common signs of disrespect, the impact of disrespect on a relationship and the steps you can take to remedy the situation. We’ll conclude with 8 ways couples can show respect to one other so that their relationship thrives.
Love and Respect Go Hand-in-Hand
Love and respect should be entwined. Love is affection and passion, intimacy and emotional commitment that one has for another. Respect is that deep admiration you have for your partner as a person and human being. Though you might not always agree on everything, it’s important to show respect through politeness, kindness, and consideration when you love someone.
In one study,1 scientists endeavored to create a novel framework that could be applied to love. The framework they worked with included respect as one of the crucial components that formed the basis and meaning of love. Other components included attraction, connection and trust.
What Are 10 Signs of Disrespect?
In healthy relationships, one partner is considerate of the other. After all, nobody wants to feel small, overlooked, embarrassed, or stupid.
Sometimes people don’t even realize their partner is demonstrating a lack of respect towards them. For example, if your partner works full-time and you care for the home and family, you shouldn’t be made to feel like your contributions matter less.
If your partner ridicules something you say in front of your family at a reunion or doesn’t show up at your office dinner party, you might make excuses for their behavior by saying they’re kidding around or are just forgetful. Ask yourself: do you think they are actually being disrespectful?
Here are some common signs of lack of respect that you should look out for:
They don’t honor your space or time
They speak in a derogatory manner to you
They don’t listen when you’re talking
They interrupt or talk over you
They don’t make you feel valued
They ignore you
They lie to you
They flirt or cheat on you
They make important decisions without consulting you
They make you feel you are less important than they are
The Impact of Disrespect
Disrespect can spell trouble for relationships. The person who is harboring hurt feelings can become insecure and lose their self-esteem. Or they might grow angrier at their treatment and resentful that they’re not being valued.
The partner who is acting inconsiderate, when left unchecked, can become emboldened. They might increase their negative behaviors and even veer into the territory of emotional abuse.
Disrespect can evolve from disregard to contempt, which is a feeling of superiority or disdain. John Gottman, a renowned marriage psychologist who investigated couples’ relationships for over fifty years, said contempt is the number one contributor to divorce and destroyed relationships.
What Should You Do If You Don’t Feel Respected?
If your partner doesn’t seem to appreciate you, here are two suggested strategies to use that might help improve the situation:
1. Improve Your Communication As A Couple
The first step is to focus on how you’re both communicating with one another, especially during conflict. Dr. Amy Keller, PsyD and MFT, helps couples improve their communication through active listening, expressing their feelings and using their senses. She offers a cheat sheet that encourages the speaker to say how they feel when their partner does x and also what they want.
For example, you might say, “I feel disrespected when you mock my hair in front of my family and I’d like you to only say positive, nice things, especially when we’re out.”
Then the partner repeats what they hear and just takes it in, tries to understand the new perspective, and doesn't react defensively.
The discussion is conducted on a whisper level because Keller adds "it's hard to actively listen if your partner is yelling!" She encourages both to make eye contact, and if it's appropriate, the speaker can gently touch their partner's arm while talking. Keller says, "The listener should also be making eye contact and responding that they understand or asking clarifying questions."
2. Be Clear on Your Boundaries
Focus on major boundaries with your partner. Did you set them and make them clear? One example: your partner agreed to clean up the shared desk each night because you work from home. You should not have to continually explain or justify why this is necessary; your partner should be respectful.
Speak up if your partner crosses these lines. It’s up to you to keep and maintain these boundaries.
Misunderstandings about boundaries do pop up, but couples in healthy relationships address them. These wise couples don’t take their partners for granted and are eager to contribute to their relationships. One study2that investigated the development of wisdom in close relationships concluded that mutual respect, appreciation for their partners and attention to the relationship were hallmarks of these wise couples.
8 Ways to Show Respect In A Relationship
Remember to tolerate and appreciate the differences. Both of you are two distinct individuals trying to make a relationship work. This is a handy list of ways, big and small, to show your significant other that you respect them.
Be polite and courteous.
Express your appreciation
Value your partner’s feelings
Support your partner’s interests
Give your partner time and space
Talk kindly about your partner to others
Practice compassion
Keep your word
You deserve to be in an intimate relationship with someone who shows you respect. Each relationship is different. If you’re not sure if you should give your partner another chance or quit the relationship, seek out guidance from a therapist or mental health professional in your area to best guide you on your path forward.
