Dealing with Feelings: Listening Tips for Men (which is an aphrodisiac for women)
I don’t believe in the “war between the sexes.” Men and women are fundamentally more similar than different, and everyone has their own personality type.* However, without assuming everyone adheres to a stereotype, I have observed some differences in my therapy practice, that occur more frequently than not -- especially when it comes to communication styles and needs! So this article is for the men -- some tips to improve communication with your female partner or friends, so that we can complement each other and connect in a deeper way
If you want to communicate for real -- you’ll have to deal with FEELINGS.
When working with couples, I find that often, when women express themselves, especially if it involves a feeling associated with dissatisfaction, like sadness, anger or fear, men feel compelled to “do” something that will make the feelings go away. If the woman is describing something external to the relationship they may want to immediately figure out a way to “fix the problem.” When the woman’s feelings involve the relationship, the man may want to use “logic” to discount or talk their partner out of having the feeling… And I think just reading that sentence, you can intuit that probably won’t work!
My advice here is simply to LISTEN and EMPATHIZE. Believe it or not, when you share the burden of your partner’s feelings, you are already helping to solve the problem. Here’s how to do it:
How to Be a Good Listener and Empathizer
When your partner tells you how she feels, focus on REFLECTING back the state of a woman’s feelings in a way that shows you are paying attention.
You might say “I can appreciate how sad and angry you feel about the loss of my pension plan.”
or
“I see how scared and insecure you feel about my job loss.”
Notice how REFLECTING is not REACTING. In these examples, the listener is actually “part of the problem,” but he correctly disassociates his statements from that. He avoids saying “I feel horrible that you are sad and angry about me losing my pension plan,” because that makes it about him, and not her.
Notice too, how this listener doesn’t jump to the conclusion that he “knows” or “understands,” how his partner is feeling, because it’s too early for that.
Good words to use are observational: “I see,” “I hear,” “I recognize,” “I appreciate that...”
Finally, notice how in these examples, the speaker is not trying to fix, explain, defend, resolve, blame, deny or do anything cerebral. You should follow his lead!
You MAY add a word of reassurance that is not about adding explanations, solutions, defenses and the like. For example, you can say, “I can see that you feel scared about the loss of my job. This is a tough situation but we are going to be okay.”
Adding physical affection while reflecting that you understand your partner’s feelings will get you bonus points!
What else should you do?
Acknowledge your own feelings through this process:
“Just listening” is not easy. Your partner’s words might make you feel criticized or threatened, and you’ll likely feel compelled to DO something rather than just reflect back her feelings. Trust me on this-- DON’T. You NEED to tolerate these deep and often scary feelings by sitting with them without fixing, solving, or reacting. It is understandable that this might make you feel helpless, powerless or frustrated. And of course, taking on what your partner is feeling -- especially if she is feeling helpless-- can feel bad and scary for a moment.
But know that a “moment” is only temporary -- in fact various neuroscientists and other academics have learned that our brains are wired so that when we are exercising empathy, we feel what the other person is feeling for about 5-9 seconds -- and our mirror neurons light up to prove it. This is true empathy -- not to be confused with sympathy which is logically understanding how the other person is feeling, versus empathically feeling what they are feeling -- and it will help your partner feel intimately understood, supported, connected and, perhaps, bring her relief. Or, as Dan Siegel says, your partner will “feel felt.” If you can share her feelings and reflect that you really understand with a feeling statement, that bad feeling actually gets diffused. My patients, after practicing this technique for a while, call this a “magic pill.” I call it the female aphrodisiac!
*Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher talks a lot about our fundamental similarities as humans as well as relationship chemistry. For a fun read check out her book Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type.
